Thoughts of Joe, Mom, and Dad...I expect those this time of year. I expect to dwell on the family I have lost. But I lost someone else last year, my friend Tony. Tony and I met over 15 years ago. We ran in the same circle of San Francisco clubbers and Reggae on the River goers. We were always up for a good time! It was a super fun and crazy phase of my life. He lived with one of my best friends, so I saw him once or twice a week for a period of 3-ish years. We stayed in contact over the years, long after our clubbing days had ended, but eventually contact became less frequent. Then I got a call last year that he had died. I was devastated when I heard, but if I'm super honest, up until the other night, it had been a while since I thought about his death.
Last week I had a dream about Tony, a very vivid dream. In the dream Tony and I were laughing and hugging, dancing, just having a fun time like we used to, clearly at a party of some kind (no surprise there). It seemed like we were dancing for hours, but then Tony got this weird look on his face, like something was causing him pain...and he just collapsed. I went down with him and caught his head in my hands. I started crying and screaming, "Please don't leave. Please don't leave." He looked up at me and said, "I'll never leave you; I'll always be with you." Then I woke up...
I was sweating and breathing like I had just run a mile, stuck in that brief space where your dream feels more real than the world you woke up to. I tried to make sense of it...then it dawned on me. Hadn't Tony died around this time last year?
I reached out to a mutual friend of ours who confirmed that Tony had in fact died one year earlier...exactly one year! I don't believe much in coincidences, but I do believe in visitation dreams. I believe it is possible for those who have passed on to find their way back to us. I know that to be true in my heart. But there's lots I still don't understand...
I don't know why Tony visited me the other night. Maybe he was just checking in or trying to remind me of the fun times we used to have. I don't claim to know the rules of the afterlife, but more than once over the past couple years a friend has reached out to say that Joe appeared to them in a dream, and told them to pass on a message to me. Why can't Joe visit me directly? I don't know, any more than I know why Tony chose me for his visitation this time. But man was it good to see him!
Then when I got in my car that day to go to work, I turned on the radio, switched through a station or two until I stopped on a familiar song, one that Tony used to sing, "Baby come back. You can blame it all on me. I was wrong, and I just can't live without you." I just smiled. The veil is thin my friends, very thin.
Miss you Tony. Hope you are
dancing and singing up there watching down on all of us. Catch you on flip side
my friend.
