A New Way Home

Today is Joe's birthday. He should be fifty-eight years old. Instead, he is forever fifty-six. 

 I dropped Jacob off at school then headed up to the trailhead of one of our favorite hikes. I set out with no intention, other than to get into nature, get quiet, and be open to the day. 

I climbed and climbed, passing familiar curves where Joe would turn around and realize he had left me in his dust, his long strides carrying him up steep grades with ease. He would smile and laugh, waiting for me to catch up. 

I made it up to the ridge, to the spot where I scattered some of his ashes last year. A few tears made their way down my cheeks, but I kept on towards the summit. It was super windy today. The foxtails looked like greenish golden waves on the hills. Beautiful orange poppies and purple thistles flanked the trail. I asked him to be with me, walk with me, talk to me. 

Then a thought dawned on me so quickly, it couldn't have been my own. "Be sure to go back a different way than you came." Joe never went home the same way he set out. What's the fun in that? Not a hike or a road trip was complete without finding a different way back. There was no adventure to be found retracing the same steps home. 

But today, there was a different meaning behind his words. "We're all just walking home JenJen. Stop following me down a path I'm not on anymore. Find a new way home." He's right. It's been two years this week since Joe died. I spend my days still trudging down the road we were on together, expecting the switchbacks to lead me to him somehow. Maybe around this curve? Maybe up this hill? The trail isn't as bright as it once was, the birds don't chirp happy tunes anymore, the grass is dull. 

It's too quiet. 

And it occurs to me, though it's a familiar trail, I somehow find myself terribly lost. Joe isn't on the trail with me anymore, he's already home. I know what he's telling me. I think it's time for me to make a sharp turn at the next fork, to find my own path, to live new adventures. Each day I wake up is a day that he doesn't. There is a big responsibility in that, to not waste time, to do new things and force myself to be new places, places he and I never visited together, down paths we didn't know. 

Joe and I have already been to the top of the mountain and enjoyed the view...we walked hand in hand straight to the edge of life. He got to go on without me. I have been asked to stay behind. It's not my time.

Today I heard you loud and clear JoJo. I will forge a new path. I will take fresh steps towards a life that scares me, but one I have been given and must therefore be grateful for. Now I understand, I'm not leaving you behind...I'm just finding a new way home.